inspiration.

Well finals week is quickly approaching. Life is stressful with 4 comprehensive tests next week and a severe case of ADHD..

What do I do to deal with this? Ok. Nothing Different. What should I do to deal with this?  (I'm open to suggestions)

But I dare you to watch this video. I cried.

Inspiring Athlete

If you have time, spend some time on there. The video's are so well made and it's just fun seeing these people's inspiring lives. The video's don't directly focus on religion, they focus on lives lived fully.  I'm a sucker for stuff like this.

Other things that are keeping my mind off of finals week?

Booooooom.com

Awesome artsy blog. I spend hours on there. It's a good thing I'm doing a graphic design minor, I love this stuff!

call me rawrie today!

Sometimes I tell people that I like to pretend that I'm a baby dinosaur being born.
Number 1: not even that true of a story
Number 2: Ya, ok.

But, if I were to enjoy being a baby dinosaur cracking myself out of an egg, then I'd like to be named "Rawrie."
Number 1: Because I enjoy watching Gilmore Girls.
Number 2: Dinosaurs make a rawrie sound when born.

Speaking of Rawrie though, I'm just straight up grumpers today. Finals week is coming up and I'm going to MISS MY ROOMERS so much. I love these girls. I truly love them, and they've done so much for me this semester.
We had a little too much fun this weekend.

CHECK IT!
The couches are in the kitchen because Nicole's bedroom set is in the living room. Normal.

It felt like 10 am. Not though- 3 pm eh?

I party.

Watching nicole put her bedroom back in her bedroom, by herself.  Rude boys. Sick song.

Living room.

Open to interpretation.

Love.

Great weekend guyzers. Dance parties in parking lots, club 435, house parties. 

Some creep asked me if I had a facebook in walmart.

Watching Grown ups- so funny. 

-LET ME CLARIFY. Not so funny. Funny enough though. It made me happy and stuff.

Taquitos

Angies

D.I.

Good news.

Happy Monday tomorrow! Hopefully tomorrow is less of a rawrie day. BABY CHEESES! 

Grandpa Buckner

I drew this picture of my Grandpa Buckner for my final project in arts symposium.

oh baby. it's permafrosting. muh favorite! lasts forever. tastes good forever.

It’s cold outside and I’m having flat tires and I’m having writers block and I’m having a baby. That’s not even true; the last part I mean. My face and my toes have teensy little arrows-well, more like pin arrows- being shot into them. They’re tingly and they’re cold.

And there they go. Nothing. No more feeling. Until I walk inside. And it hurts for a second, while the feeling comes back. Arrows, numb, nothing, pain. Better. More. 

The sky is shady shady character these days. All gray, or white when it’s snowing. It’s coldie locks and the three burrs time of year. What is porridge anyways? Sounds frightful. Frightful like papers due and permafrosted sidewalks and below 13 mornings.

I don’t really like the cold that much. Can you tell? Never really have.

I’m walking across campus and I’m cold and I want to be inside. But that feeling, that wonderful feeling, of walking inside and feeling your cheeks go rosy, and feeling warm and cold and out of breathe and content all at the same time. The cold seems ok when you look at it that way.

Doesn’t it? 

NOW you tell me the story of how I grew to be.

I’ve always found the idea of “finding oneself” a bit absurd. Enjoyed the simple joy that I get from staring into nothing. Ran from reality and myself, and created a new, better, nonfictional version of my reality. Until somehow my ideas of things I liked in others became blatantly obvious qualities that I could find in myself. Always liked others and respected. Scared to death of the future. Of what might come and who might come and how do I deal with it all?

I need no one. I need to know that from someone I have come. My spirit isn’t evolved. It’s evolving into what it was. Returning. Changing finding. Not in love. Not in need. Being alone isn’t bad at all is it? Being right here is the most important place I’ve ever found myself. This apartment. Evolution- weird me out. Scare me. Share stories and love. Share laughter. Comfortable with you. Never thought I’d never want to leave. Want to eat up the fall leaves and spit them out as music. Talk to you. Feel at home in the place where home felt foreign and far and distant. Confusion. How did it happen? 

I don’t know. I don’t know really. But I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking and questioning and wondering and hoping and doubting. Mostly doubting. Decision making skills are the skills of the Gods and I’m not that. Clearly.

So. I just need to know. What is the right answer. One right one. PLEASE. Just one. Running nose where are you going let me come.

Because I’ve found myself. And I don’t want to leave. Because digging through the lost and found makes your hands smell smelly and takes time. 

So let’s do this all over again.

simple pleasures:)

Blah ha.

Today is a good day- I mean, it's only 9:05 A.M. but, it's a four red cars in a row type of day.
Something is wrong with me. Sort of freaking me out.

I don't sleep ever- and I'm like always hyper--- like always. My bones are secreting energy.

SHALOOOKEEEAPRE!

GOOD GRIEF.

I don't know what blogs are for but I do know what Ben Bernake is for and every time I see his name I think it sounds super sexy like a character that Matthew Mcconaughey in a movie would play so I looked him
up.
 He doesn't look like Matthew Mcconaughey.
Woops.

But still.

I feel weird now.

sunday's the day

I made vermont curry and vegetables tonight. Oh my so good.

Today was so great.

Check out the Jazz Essentials radio on pandora. I can't stop listening. Fab.

I love Sundays.

retail therapy.

I am a strong advocate for retail therapy. Of retail therapy? I don't know how to word that- either way though, I participate in the therapy of retail on a regular basis.

The problem with this is that- retail therapy (like most therapy?) costs money. So a few weeks ago I promised myself I wouldn't buy clothing for an indefinite period of time. Here we see problem number one in this silly goal of mine; indefinite. Any one who has had heard John Bytheway give one of his inspirational speaches (heh) knows that when setting goals; be specific, and be realistic. Setting a goal with no ending that was totally unrealistic for me, and as it turns out, IMPOSSIBLE.

So today- instead of going to my marriage prep institute class (pfhff!! marriage! who wants that...) me and roommateface Nichole went to the (as Wesers would call it) Deseret Industries.

NBD? RIGHT? Because I  always shop there and half my shoes are for sure from there and I'm a reg an it's great. But the deal is- The Deseret Industries offer me a special sort of retail therepeutication. PLUS, and also, the Deseret Industries just had an abundance of treasures today. Well how about that.

I know you're dying to see--- shirt sweater belt and glasses. All from this shopping trip.  AND THAT BAG. 50 Cents. oh boyeee.

I got a billion other things. I'll post more...

SOMETIMES THE SONG TEENAGE DREAM makes me dizzy with joy

I don't know if I've mentioned this... But I really, REALLY love the song teenage dream. I think at this point it probably seems like I'm being sarcastic about this because it's a really, REALLY weird song to love this much. The lyrics are horrible, and if I knew anything about music I'd tell you the music is as well. But I don't and I absolutely adore it catchiness. Every time this song comes on it brings the dancing demons out of me and I can't control myself. My and Mandie had some fun the other night. She wins roommate of the year. Go Mandie.
And here we are dancing and making fools of ourselves.
No, I did not just get out of the shower. I just sweat.

i concur

Balance. It's hard for me to think of any think that brings me more peace than a clean life that is balanced in all areas. Surprisingly enough... I feel like I have achieved this lately- feels good.

SO along those lines I read this talk tonight and felt like it was a good thing hear. I hadn't heard the term "consecrated life" before.

Anyways. Check it out... if you want.

Here's a tid bit I particularly enjoyed.

"By work we sustain and enrich life. It enables us to survive the disappointments and tragedies of the mortal experience. Hard-earned achievement brings a sense of self-worth. Work builds and refines character, creates beauty, and is the instrument of our service to one another and to God. A consecrated life is filled with work, sometimes repetitive, sometimes menial, sometimes unappreciated but always work that improves, orders, sustains, lifts, ministers, aspires."


I'd never thought of work as creating beauty. Makes sense. I like it.

BY who?

Oh my goodness. It's raining outside today. (not inside, thank goodness.) which I love. And I'm like being all reflectatory and thinkatory. I for whatever reason, feel a need to explain my BYU decision. If to anyone, to myself. Because I'm scared! Because I'm going to move away from the place I know and the place where I grew up and faced so many heartbreaks and trials and learned so many lessons. The place where I struggled to figure out my beliefs and myself and life. I hope that I understand these things when I'm the new land of Provo.

But here's one reason why I'm ultimately going. The tipping point reason if you may. It's based on a simple conviction I have that Jake taught me a long time ago. He probably doesn't even remember but I do. He told me that when doors are opened to you, you should always take that opportunity because it will lead to future opportunities. It will lead to future doors being opened. BYU is a great school. Saying no to this opportunity, would be saying no to a lot of opportunities in the future.

So in the end, going to BYU scares the feaij;i;ao out of me. I will miss Logan's charm. (I do not include Logan winters in this category) I will miss the friends and the stunning fall days and roommates and the wonderful blue color on the walls of Old Main 225. Logan holds a deeply special place in my heart. But all though leaving hurts and feels hard. BYU feels right. And it's hard to argue with that one.

sitting in the liberry eatin muh soup.

Come to the liberry on Thursdays and get the tomato bisque soup. They only have it on Thursdays. All the other day's soups are splendid as well though. Anyways, when you get this particular tomato bisque soup you are going to die of YUMNESS....and if you ask me, what better death could there be than a death by yumness? None better death is the correct answer. --- Only get a small though. It's super rich. There's a dash of roasted red pepper in it as well. TO DIE FOR YUMNESS FOR.

Sitting here studying how to factor irrational polynomials this conversation ensues behind my back by the staircase. 

Boy 1: Girls you have? You have girls lately?

Boy 2: Well, I mean, I guess, like sort of. She lives in bountiful. TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK TALK. Her name is Sarah. I just don't know like I want to call her and I want to text her, but how much is too much texting and how much is not enough and we held hands on our last date so clearly things are getting serious and clearly she is head over heals for me but her sister is coming to her house this weekend so she can't go out and next weekend she has some really legitimate excuse as well but despite these things I know she loves me and especially likes the name Claire for our first child as much as I do anyways I don't know where things are going with her although as I've exemplified I'm sure their going great places and I should really take a breathe because this is a long sentence but if things don't go as well with her as am sure they will then..

Boy 1: Then....

Boy 2: Well you know one time this girl saw me wearing a marathon shirt and said, oh you run marathon's? Me too. So we went on a date. I mean, she never talked to me again but it got me thinking...

Boy 1: Oh boy, do tell! What did this get you thinking of??!

Boy 2: It got me thinking that DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN theoretically just go up to girls and ask them out without knowing them?

Boy 1: Well, yes.

Boy 2: I don't think this is always the best approach though because that could be awkward.

Boy 1: Clearly.

Boy 2: Ya but you could go up to that girl(me) and ask her out. I mean what's the worst that could happen? She punches you in the face?

Yes. Unless you're wearing a marathon shirt of course. 

Wisdom came into my life today. But mostly I'm thinking the whole time; OH MY GOSH YOU GUYS ARE SO ANNOYING THAT IS WHAT IS GOING THROUGH MY HEAD RIGHT NOW. But then, I overheard Boy 2 say that he ran marathons and I was thinking, wow I'd really love to go on a date with him.

p as in pneumonia.

I went for a lovely (coughy-weezy) run up the river trail by second dam today.
Gorgeous day.
Peaceful run.
Cough for 60 years afterwards.

Ate rotten cantaloupe.

I've made my decision.
I am also not telling anyone what it is yet.
Maybe I'm not so sure in it yet?
Who knoweth?

Studied Isaiah, Ezekiel, Job, Amos, and Jeremiah for 4 hours today.
Ask me if I hated every second of it?
Do you know  who was called as a prophet with 4 beasts.
Oh you better believe I do.

Blop!

Back in Logan.
-Hey Logan I've missed you!

Wal-mart: Main street in Logan: 11:00 PM, 10-17-10
-I don't know WHY I'm surprised by this but most kids my age are like, doing something cooler than grocery shopping at this time on a Saturday night. I don't even care though, because look what's going to be on the table tomorrow:

Best ever. I'm also now the proud mother of a WOK. I think we'll have lots of sweet adventures together.

Other walmart observations:

I'm mostly completely positive that I saw the kids from "The Outsiders" gang banging up the store. They suck at stealing things though because they were all wearing stupid denim jackets and zitty faces and skater shoes. FOR GROSS IS WHAT THEY WERE. If they are going to steal stuff POWER TO THEM (only... not really) but I wish they'd just steal something stylish so they didn't look so lamers. 

Don't go to Wal-Mart at this time if you hope to find good Zucchini. You won't.

Go to Wal-Mart at this time if you like overly friendly workers desperately hoping that you need help finding the correct lamp shade. + who are creepy. 

I'm tired. BUT HEY LOOK WHAT I DID LAST WEEK! Totes fun but totes freezing. I hope to be a sailor when I grow up. Sexy.

Thomas Jefferson on the Economics of Ideas

"He who receives an idea from me, receives instruction himself without lessening mine; as he who lights his taper at mine, receives light without darkening me. That ideas should freely spread from one to another over the globe....seems to have been peculiarly and benevolently designed by nature, when she made them... incapable of confinement or exclusive appropriation."

more importantly though...

you don't have a soul,

you are a soul.

you have a body.

- c.s. Lewis

pshrawr!

I made up a survey and then answered the questions. Normal thing to do.
Do you?

Open bags from the bottom so the words are all upsidedownie when you roll up the bag and put the chip clip on it.

I don't usually, but I did today. Maybe I'll start doing this all the time. It sort of makes me feel giddy- I'm totally breaking the rules. I'M A RULE BREAKER I BREAK RULES. Hey wanna smoke? Me neither, why would I say that.

SWEAT?
I'm sure you don't. NOT LIKE I DO. I sweat so much it's embarrassing. I need some pills and lotion for this- it's out of hand. I dripped off my face today. From walking to class. I realize that is gross. It's embarrassing, but also a really good and legitimate excuse for not working out.

Procrastination Nation.
IS THE WORST. I WANT A NEW NATION.

Say ROOT beer, or root BEER.
I say ROOT beer but I think it's real sexy when guys say root BEER. I know you have to know what I'm talking about.


Medium cheddar or Extra Sharp?
The joys of extra sharp cheddar are really joyful. I honestly love cheese more than everyone in the whole entire universe. Try extra sharp white cheddar, but only if you have 15 dollars. Because it's 15 dollars.

Wear a yellow sweater when you're having a bad day so that that bad day turns into a good day and so that you notice more shiny things and less smelly things.

 I DO. I DID TODAY. My yellow sweater fixes my life.  Well it did... UNTIL

my head got chopped off while I was trying to study in the liberry today- which sucks. But probably sucks less than have writers block while writing an economic comparison paper... which as it turns out, entails a sort of eternal state of writers block.

DECISION MAKING POOPS BRAINS OUT

Let it be known: I DISLIKE MAKING DECISIONS.

I hate thinking that if I choose the wrong one I'll regret it. I'll wonder what I missed out on or what could have got better. I'm petrified of the decision I may be faced to make in a few weeks.

I love it here. I have friends and I'm happy.

But something in my heart tells me that maybe I should be there.

Sometimes something in my heart tells me that maybe I should stay here though.

Come on heart! Get with the program! Just tell me the ONE PLACE WHERE I BELONG!!!

Ok, hold up world.

I don't believe that there is any such thing as a ONE TRUE LOVE... or in this case ONE PLACE WHERE I BELONG. I believe I can be happy and do well anywhere. But I'm happy here and doing well here, so why leave? Why step into the unknown? Why take a step into the darkness when I've already made it to the light at the end of the tunnel? Why not keep throwing out confusing cliche phrases to describe befuddled feelings in my heart?  

Ok. Here's why. BECAUSE (get ready for a cliche vomit festival) sometimes... sometimes you've just got to take a leap of faith. And by 'you' I do mean me of course. Once I make my decision, I will stick with it. It will feel right. I know that I may be scared, but I'll go full force ahead towards the mental breakdown madness that is college (whether it's at BYU or USU).

Someone please decide for me? PLEASE? PLEASE?

BYU. USU. BYU. USU. BYU. USU. BYU. USU. BYU...he loves me... he loves me not... 

In other news--- here is something you must try.

ROSEMARY olive oil triscuts

  topped with----

Extra sharp cheddar

 finished off with---

A slice of asian pear.

I can't stop myself until the box is gone. Divine. 

Economics is the funnest EVER!

I found this graph interesting. Maybe you will too.

BLOP Update and stuff.

Today! Started! Off! Horribly!

I got a 75% on my bible test. BIBLE test. The worst part? I didn't think I did bad at all. That's totally how it always goes. I need to kick my butt into gear. (What... does that even mean?) To kick things off on an even lower note let's reminisce about all the things I DIDN'T get done today :) I didn't write two papers that are due like, really soon. I didn't do my math (this is an ongoing one) I didn't go to the bank. I didn't do any homework. At all. I didn't do laundry and I didn't clean my room.  Now I can feel terrible about myself, and "you'' can feel awesome. Anytime.

In all honesty though school is great. I love economics and it has me really excited about my major. We watched a TED talk the other day and it got me hooked. At least I'm wasting my time on educational lectures, that's something.  It's lovely and fall like here. I'm holding on tight to summer though, that's for sure!

Ok, and here's the real NEWS. THE REAL AWESOME GREAT NEWS. I'll start from the beginning. I've been dying to get my ballet on lately, so I found a great looking ballet school in town and decided to check it out. The school is housed in the most adorable old schoolhouse called the Whitier center. Complete with the most perfect shade of ballet pink on the walls, big staircases, old wood floors, and transom windows. Straight from a movie.
Portion one of story; while waiting for someone to talk to this black guy comes over to me. Asks if I'm taking class.
-Yes.
Asks where I go to school?
-USU.
Asks if I like country dancing?
-Unsure.
Lived in the towers last year?
-Nope, that was my boyfriend.
Asked if we were still dating?
-He's on a mission (failed  to mention that I haven't spoken to him in 4 months...)
Dear John?
-Laugh.
For real, do you like country dancing?
-No, I like Latin though.
Do you have a job?
-No.
I have a club.
-Cool.
You should come dancing at my club, we're having a Latin party Friday night.
-Cool, maybe I will.
Do you want to be the bartender there?
-Um....
Or the hostess?
-Um...
Here's my number.

Well, folks. I might be a bar tender soon. Look out world! After I escaped the presence of the crazy club promoter I went and found the adult ballet class. IT WAS WONDERFUL. I've missed it so much. I think I practically threw up sentimental happiness. I love being in a studio. And ballet. Oh, so so wonderful. So I took class. The teacher was great. The women in the class were funny. (And I was totally the best one there! also 10 years younger than everyone there...) After class the teacher told me about a company that the school runs, and that I was definitely good enough to participate. I can't tell you how excited I am! I've been looking for more opportunities  to dance EVERYWHERE and I've finally finally found what feels like the perfect fit. Looks like I'm about to be a lot busier.

Goodday.

Happy Friday!

It's Friday! Happy Friday "everyone"!

Last night when I went to bed at 2 (far past my bedtime, oh dear!) I fell asleep sweetly with the wonderful notion that I would be sleeping in on this wonderful Friday (Since my first class doesn't start til 2:30 suckas! ((and I'm a jobless loser...)) So I fall asleep and I dream and sleep sweetly of Zac Efron and other creepy cute cuddly things like that. SO AT THE CRACK OF FREAKING DAWN 9:00 AM rolls around (regular wake up time) and because it's my regular wake up time, I'm wide awake. Which is cool, whatever, but my body is still so so so asleep. I try my hardest to fall back asleep. Unfortunately, because of the universal law of sleeping (look it up) no sleeping was going to happen. So I woke up and did productive things like look at facebook  for an hour and a half and licked my new yellow shoes.

AND THEN. GET THIS....

because I wasn't trying to sleep anymore I fell back asleep. But... BUT not before I had some profound thoughts.

I'm going to share those thoughts today with you brothers and sisters.

 I was thinking about  how lately things aren't going all dreamy and stuff. But it doesn't really bother me any more. I realized that in every period of my life I'm sort of tested before things look up again (case in point, quitting ballet and senior year). Anyways that's what's happening right now. It's tough but I believe with all my heart that there are good things in store for me. So I'm not  going to worry.

P.S. (I sure miss this kid and his uncanny knack for matching his clothing! :(  )

GIDDY

Ok guys. Hubba hubba check out these shoes.

Words... just... just... cannot express how I feel about them. They are such a wonderful wonderful addition to my (sort of mediocre) life right now. AY CARAMBA!

 Look closely. Amazing deal. Crap my pants amazing deal.

 ASIANS LOVE YELLOW SHOES!!!!

Mysterious people love YELLOW SHOES!!!!

INTO THIIN AIR GOOD GRACIOUS!

Everybody (not that there's a lot of everybody's...)  disappeared OUT OF NO WHERE TONIGHT. I'm just sittin here alone.

Good Gracious.

So I just put on a (NEW SCRUMPTIOUS 12.99) dress and go to the fancy wal-mart on the other side of town all by myself.

I'm trying really hard to make this sound a lot cooler than it is ever going to be.

SEE YA!

Thursday September the Ninth.

It's my Sissy's birthday today. I call her Sissy because, well, number one, she is my Sister. There are other reasons though, like that is what her name is saved as in my phone. Speaking of which, once upon a time Wes wanted to call her and I told him to type in Sissy. He got SUPER angry because apparently "Sissy" is also a put down. So I just want to go on the record and say that I don't mean Sissy in the putdowny way, only in the sisterly way.

Anyways, it's her birthday. And naturally, because it is her birthday I've thought of her a lot today. Partly because I'm a little jealous that she got to eat yummy pizza, and partly because I'm jealous she went on a Nordstrom birthday shopping spree. But, also because, I love her. LIKE A SISTER. (Oh, wait...)

The love I feel for each of my siblings is special and unique. But I have a sort of awe and respect for her that is special to her. A respect that comes from the fact that, I'm sure she is nearly perfect. Growing up, she set such an example. (That sounds horribly cliche.) There's just, really is no way to describe it. Her humility and resolve frankly scared me a little. Because now, and as a child I am most certainly the opposite of humility and resolve. (So very humble of me to say that, no? ;) )

When she's gone sometimes I like to go inside her room and just look around. I can't decide whether doing this is actually as creepy as it sounds here. I like to go in there because everything she has is so beautiful. Because It's clean and shiny and beautiful in a distinctly "Kristen" way.  I like going in there because there is a special feeling in there. I also like going in there because sometimes I steal her shoes, and sometimes I steal her necklaces.

Quite honestly, we aren't even the best of friends. That could be my fault. Maybe it's because I'm a little jeal that she looks beautiful with no makeup on or maybe it's because we're so different. She is always there when I need her though. Staying up late talking about things that are only comfortable topics when the sun has gone down. I think it was a year ago to day. I was home for the weekend after receiving some heart breaking news and she stayed up with me. And just talked. Oh boy, what would life be like without a sister!?

So here's to her, Happy Birthday wise one :)

Self. 2 (or 3) (or 1) -liners.

I'm so unbelievably narcissistic.
It's pretty terrible.
And pretty weird that I just wrote that on here.

Friends are good. Old ones, who "talk" (facebook chat anyone?) to you for hours. Puts life into perspective. Simplifies things.

People I love who I hardly know. I proclaim on mountain tops (not literally silly don't be jeal!) that love isn't real, but I feel perfectly fine loving people who are near strangers, why is that?

Food is probably really good for me.

Today I saw a man.

My piano teacher was the original Darla in Little Rascals. (Or something like that)
Here I go again. Narcissism. (I spell that right every time, and I'm always surprised)

Maybe... fitting in is overrated?
I think I was supposed to learn that life lesson in 2nd grade. Only I never did.
When all else fails, blame it on bilingual education.

I love reading. I love reading. I love reading. I love all reading. (Maybe if I say it enough....)
Currently reading:
New International Version of The Holy Bible
Economics texts
Anthropological texts
Book of Mormon
AND
The Poisonwood Bible.

That was way longer than two lines.
Yesterday and it's yesterday and it's yesterday and so forth were hard. Today was better.

My stomach hurts.
And marriage prep is funny.

And that, is my day all wrapped up in 2 liners that aren't two liners at all.

College and forgiveness and stuff like that.

100th post and the worlds worst day(week and half?) in history. Cute. Bet you're jeal.

College is uh...? SO RIDICULOUS. and Hard. This better get better really soon, otherwise there'll be nothing to be jeal of. ha

I hate this all! Get better soon:(

I'm obsessed.

This blog is so funny. Check out the rope bunk beds, a MUST SEE. BA!
Catalog Living dot net

School.

It's good here. Love my roommates and there is just a feel of newness in the air. Like, this year will be better than last year. I'm going to make it so.  I miss home more than I thought I would but I'm slowly adjusting. I, at 19 years old, have my first bunk bed. I went 19 years. And now the streak must be broken. Eh, what can you do? I am writing this post laying down because I can't even sit up in this bed. It's my little cocoon. Anyways it's really peaceful here and the people are wonderful!

Tomorrow morning I have Spanish 1010 at 8:30. After 12 years of spanish classes I'll be sitting in on a 1010 class! Must. Test. Out.

I write this blog for you Mom, hey Mom! I miss you. We had a good summer, sorry for the poopy last day : ( Thanks for letting me cry on your lap for hours upon end this summer. That was nice. Good luck on the house!!! Send me updates. Love you.

tremendous!

I move today! So! Excited! Yay! (that is my excited face!)  yayayayayayayayya! LOL! LOLZ! YES.

my first last day

TODAY! WAS! MY! LAST! DAY! at the corn stand :(

Sad face. It was a great summer. I've written about it enough on here.
But, one more thing, I NEVER even got to say goodbye to my 40 year old stalker. I bet he misses me so much.
Learned a lot this summer.
Gotta tan, and decided my MAJOR. (marketing.)
FINALLY.
Fixed my heart. Fell again. Stood up, met people, loved, lived.
Summer of black tops, spiders crawling up my legs, and attack of the wasps. Jokes, friends, and stalkers, I will miss you all.

From blonde to blonder to brown again. Back to my roots. My HAIR is a symbol of my life this summer. Finding symbolism in all. Always.  Awful?

This morning there were tears. Hidden well, but they were there. Sad to leave. Soaked it up, and now I'm ready.

Ready for tests and friends and people and everything and everything. Ready to walk up Old Main ready to eat taco salad 19 times a week. Ready to grow up and be.

It's not that I'm not nervous. Or scared. Somewhere deep down I am... I think! But what a waste really. September 4th will come. Will go. And this year will be wonderful. Or is wonderfully hard more like it? Surprises come and knock you over. Until one day? Maybe they won't. Oh wadda day.

Brentwood. I gon find you. Roommates? Please be good. Please? PLEASE?

The boxes are slowly (emphasis on the slowly) getting packed. Piles and piles and piles and piles. Car is vacuumed, washed and ready to go (minus the rear view mirror naturally) New beginnings are in the air. IS in the are? Art in the air? New beginnings art in the air. Can you feel it? I know I can. I wonder where and who (well... not literally who, but sort of who?) This time next year, Aug. 2011. 2010 is good for now. You've been good to me since June so why don't you continue to do so?

Packing lists?
All 10 billion 89 boxes of curry mix.
Coke.
Clothes of some sort?
Mattress pad?

Sure guys, I think that'll definitely do it for me. That needs to go to Bed Bath and Beyond as some complete pre compiled packing list. All the important things in life really.

Anyways, I guess this is my final adieu to Sum Sum 2010. SO BYE SUMSUM it's been real. .

See ya :)

Here's to earplugs and scantrons!

Packing for school.
Pictures of my Costo Christmas.

 New unders!

 Vegi chips (sounds healthy to me until I realize potatoes are vegis?), Flannel shirt for the Hell called Logan winter.

 My new Clarke's. From Nordstrom, not Costo, mind ya.

 I bought this RAD RAD RAD "Moleskine" planner, not realizing it's for 2011. Looks like I'll just be an orginazional mess until 2011 comes. I'm truly convinced this handy dandy Moleskine is my last hope.

Thanks, Mum:)

oh 30 minutes?? really? no just 10.

holy hannah. i'm in love.

and this is where we are.

Goals and to-do lists put a smile on my face.
Ok, so here we are. Making a list. I'll put bullets on it just to make it cute and official.

• Graduate college (ha! so far away it feels.)
• Read lots and lots of glorious books.
• Win friends and Influence People
• Laugh at YouTube videos
• Wipe off my lap top screen
• Figure out my schedule so my T/TH are not a 7 am class and a 7 pm class. Oh puleez. 
• FIND A REALLY STELLAR JOB!
• Love more. Be more loving. Be lovely. 
• Live in the moment. Love each day. Take it as it comes. The future is taken care of and the past is done.
• Meet people
• Get good grades
• Continue to find independence and peace.
• Get dresses dry cleaned because they are stinky. 

Sleep. Night.

new hair.

literally phoning Kristen while taking this picture. doubling up on technologies is soooo fun.

97 days and expectations and reality.

You know that scene in 500 Days of Summer, where Tom is walking up the stairs to Summer's party?  Regina Spektor's "Hero" is playing. There is a split screen, one side of the screen illustrating his expectations and the other, reality. It's so poignant and bitter. But so, so real. So touching, because we've all been there, in one way or another.

Today is the 97th day of this Summer.  97 days.  I wish I could have viewed this summer from afar, from a comfortable theater seat. There would have been no one in the theater except me and a few others, but no one in front of me so me feet would be comfortably propped up on the seat in front of me. I'd have watched the story of my days gone by as a split screen just like in 500 days of Summer. The split screen, illustrated all my great expectations on one side and all the unexpected realities on the other side.

I'm pretty sure this one has a happy ending.

Point is, on May 5th, the day I aced my last final and drove home. I expected a summer full of being in "love". I expected nights under the stars and Thai food and silliness. I expected everything to be perfect, just like last summer. Everything ended up, being just that PERFECT. Just what I needed, albeit hard to swallow, but it was wonderful. I would trade the lessons I've learned this summer for any of my perfect expectations. Because reality brought much needed lessons and growth.

Independence is a beautiful thing.

killing flies.

Lately I hang out with flies more than people. Which is sort of funny if you think about it, but anyways... In all my time hanging out with flies I've also killed a lot of my friends, and by friends I actually meant to say flies. Unreasonable amounts of them. I'm a cold blooded killer.

Until a few days ago, when all of the sudden, I couldn't do it anymore. I'd rather have the flies drive me mad than kill one. Like inflicting that PAIN on them hurts me!

Ok, wait, it's not that it's pain. Because they are dead. But I always imagine all the other  flies flittering over their friend and thinking, "Oh goodness!" And then they come over and mourn the loss of their fly friend and wonder if they are next. Then I remember flies are flies and not people.

How odd.

the secret life of... corn.

Don't tell anyone, but today I broke a rule. THE RULE. THE rule I've kept faithfully all summer long. I read a book. And, if I may, it was the most glorious rebellion of my life. It was strangely magical to sit there in my camping chair and be taken away to another world, far more exciting than mine. Well I mean, that wasn't really the magical part. The magical part was the commonalities I felt with the characters.

Snacking on peaches and cherries all the day long while I immersed myself in the book was rather magical as well if I do say so myself.

I mean, where I am I now? If you've read the book May has just died. And I'm heartbroken. Every little lost friendship or opportunity is bringing me to tears. I keep reminiscing and reminiscing. This is just wacko. I just wandered the halls of my house. Peaking into rooms, watching everyone peacefully sleep or read themselves to sleep. So peaceful. So perfect. So at rest. By far this is my favorite time of day. I hold onto the night time hours  every night hoping they won't slip away. No responsibilities, no hustle and bustle, just stillness. Time to think.  I don't know what any of this has got to do with May dying and I cannot even conjure up a good relation. I'm just spewing off randomness.  

On that note of randomness, there were FLIES flittering around everywhere today at the stand. If this sounds cute or whatever, which I don't know why it would, but if it does, don't be fooled. Not cute. I had an entire bin of rotten wratermrelons this morning, which is like the most putrid smell you could ever imagine in the entire world. Which flies love. Naturally. So me and the flies and The Secret Life of Bees just had a lovely party down on 300 S. Main today. Only, it was a terrible party.

My sweet old man friend, the one who drives the red jeep cherokee and who has a family entirely composed of names which start with the letter J drove by today. I didn't have his discounted jam berries and for some reason this made my heart feel oddly heavy. It broke my heart, that I didn't have a 20 dollar flat for him and instead only 40 dollar flats dang it. He has his jell for jam already and every thing and I couldn't help. I swear I wish I would've just bought them for him.
      As he drove away he said, "It was nice seeing you today." I like how he put that, because it was.

I'll miss J. and Moreno and all my corn stand "friends" in a few weeks. But I guess soon it's time to man up again, and to put on my college girl hat and do the college girl thing. I'm scared though. It's all new. It's not going to be anything like my fairy dreamland of cherries and corn and peaches and rotten wratermrelons. Soon, life moves forward. I'm trying to catch up, I am. And I will, one way or another, I will. It will be wonderful, for I will make sure of it.

Until then I've got a good 3 weeks plenty of endless(except not really) summer days. To dream and give free samples to ferrel children and read lovely books.

Let's get to it kids.

Whatever you do, watch this.

My Burden Was Made Light

school starts soon. shikes.

Number one: everything in my title started with an S and it wasn't even on purpose. How's that for spectacular?

Today I decided to act out my feelings  about how I feel about school starting in a photobooth session, naturally this is what a normal human would do to describe her feelings about something. I realize this blog is basically just 1000's of pictures of myself from photobooth. Because well, my life is just THAT exciting.

So... uh here is the pic that I feel best describes my feelings about school starting. I think the leg hug pose is always a good one for me... my shoes really bring out my bright beautiful eyes I think.

Anyways school starts soon, and I just cannot decide how I feel about this. I don't think I'm excited, am I? But only a tinge excited. It's been a wonderful summer but I'm almost ready to move forward with life now. Sitting at the corn stand all day is actually starting to get old (GASP!) I'm getting excited to meet new roommates and people and join clubs and skip class because it's too cold to go outside. Especially that last one. Oh, and I especially am uber excited about those wonderful weeks when you have 4 tests and a migraine all week long. Best! Ever!

27 days til school starts. 27 more lazy days. 26 or 25 more sleeps in my big cozy bed.

armor

Sometimes I think I only go to college so that I can have a job where I wear pencil skirts and white pants and heels, everyday, so that I can shop at BRepublic. Oh and there's that learning thing too.

Welcome to cornland. I do hope you'll stay.

Today, an angel visited me at the corn stand. No GUYS! Not a pretend angel, a real one. I'm so sure of it.
Maybe I'll write about it sometime.
MAYBE I WON'T.

But the things he talked to me about got me thinking.
About the profound influence that we have on those around us.
It's so funny, that such deeply wonderous lessons can be learned at a corn stand.
    At a corn stand in Spanish Fork, Utah, NO LESS.
But a happy genuine countenance is contagious and I'm absolutely so sure of it.
These people are buying CORN (or berries/cherries/peaches/salsa/jam/crenshaw/orange flesh/watermelon(with or without seeds)) from me. But they make me feel so deeply connected.
Which is pretty great.

Everyone is so different and so wonderful and so weird and yet so wonderful.
During this week alone, I've heard and seen it all. I've heard testimonies, I've met movie directors (watch out for "Too tough to Die"), Rodeo Stars, and told a woman from Brooklyn about the church. I've heard too many divorce stories to count and felt really awkward about it every time. I've met crack heads who have children they don't know about and fed police officers free melons for breakfast. I've watched domestic disputes take place I've run into some very meaningful people in my life-people who I wouldn't have ever seen had I not been there. Old friends, and I deff. for sureizzle met my future husband today. He asked if it was busy today, but we both (we both?) know what THAT MEANT. Ya guyz. WHOA.

And this is when I realize, take a deep breathe, that I will love whatever I do.

I love red lipstick.

It's going to be hot tomorrow, (http://www.weather.com/weather/today/Spanish+Fork+UT+USUT0239) so why have I decided to ride my bike to work?

Good question Jessie.

To answer that I will say:
1. Why not? (Well... actually...!)
2. I have this bandana thing I want to wear and I feel it will look cute while on a bike. (Great reason!!!)
3. Riding a bike costs no gas. Gas sucks money, and other things suck gas. So, this is good. (Remind me to remind myself of this)
4. Riding a bike is really really COOL, guys. And that's really what matters isn't it?
5. 10 miles is not that far but not that close. This as it turns out, is more of a fun fact, and less of a reason.
6. Gas sucks money.
7. I am fat. I am fatty. My belly looks like a donut by now. I am SURE, it totally makes me hungry when I look down and see the donut and realize it's not a donut but instead a belly. Also, I cannot see my toes.

Good luck Jessie.

dear birthday week,

thanks for the birthday cake- it's my favorite.
 .... so lovely to come home to that.
thanks for the weekend and the sunshine and the laughter.
for my picture perfect in almost every way birthday week.
the tostada pizza from CPK.
for the hike- because it turns out THE SUBWAY in Zion rocks from the bottom up too.
-----for sweaty foreheads from 108 degrees on hikes.
for caves and glow sticks and scenes right out of the star wars opening credits.
---- oh AND thank you glow stick muck for making my hair a grease bomb, you made my hair look really awesome in the dark- but unfortunately, it's also glowing in the light right now.

Thanks for the sand in my swimsuit, a sun burned back, and scratches from my mid torso to my toes... c.l.u.t.s.y.
thanks for.....for stars and milky ways and air mattresses and sandy beach mattresses.
for the feeling i got when i woke up, trudged to the bathroom, looked up, and remembered
 
i am in ZION, surrounded by some of the greatest beauty in all the world.

thanks chacos, for tearing up my feet- you sure did a number to them.

oh, and HEY, Sand Hollow- thanks for existing. you are a really really GREAT LAKE.
thanks for your cliffs and sunken plane and all that cool stuff that you have to offer.
SNOW CANYON- you weren't too shabby either. climbing was great this morning, even in the heat.


MOSTLY THOUGH,


thanks friends, none of it would be possible with out you.
i love you and i love you for putting up with me.
it's wonderful what can be accomplished with a little help from your friends-
so thanks girls, for everything. you keep me breathing and happy, you make me better.

what A WEEK it's been.
here's to another one.


happy monday "everyone"

In tree and men good timbers grow.

The tree that never had to fight,

For sun and sky and air and light,

But stood out on the open plain,

And always got it’s share of rain,

Never became a forest king,

But lives and dies a scrawny thing.

The man who never had to toil,

To gain and farm his patch of soil,

Who never had to win his share,

Of sun and sky and light and air,

Never became a manly man,

But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow in ease,

The stronger the wind, the stronger trees

The farther sky, the greater the length

The more the storm, the more the strength,

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In tree and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth

We find the patriarchs of both.

And they hold counsel with the stars

Whose broken branches show the scars

This is the common law of life.

                     Douglas Mallock

what is love love love. baby don't hurt me.

The better you know someone the more you love them, it is true. So while I've been sorting through feelings the past few days I realize that it's ok to still think about you. I'm not yearning for your arms to be around me any more or any of the sappy stuff, but I worry for you and about you. I don't want to be with you, but I want the best for you from the deepest place in my soul.
And that is the beauty of real love.

           IT lasts forever.

I'm not sad about it. I'm quite happy because there is love in my heart forever because of you, and there is always room for more.

The better you know someone the more you come to love them, to understand them. Love brings me happiness because it is in it's perfection, pure unselfishness. And unselfishness = happiness. It is not worried for oneself, but rather, (to me at least) a complete abandonment of our own troubles and selfishness. Real love places the loved above the lover. You feel their pain. You want to take it away. That is where lovers go astray. Or where I went astray in love. Perfect love was initially there, but over time perfect love became imperfect, because unselfish love turned in to selfish love. Where the loved was concerned for itself and it's own desires above the other. Selfishness and love cannot coexist. So while I loved him, I must have loved myself more. Love, but not in love.

I'm always grateful for the times in my life when my heart is softened enough to feel love more fully for my friends and family and complete strangers, them too. To feel a deeper understanding of their lives and their struggles and joys and sorrows. Or even just a peek.

MY HOPE & my greatest desire right now is quite simply, to LOVE more.

summer forever.

I'll always remember you fondly, summer 2010. One thing I think I'll miss the most is all the people I get to meet and talk to while I'm working. There's something about being forced to put a smile on my face and greet people with genuine happiness that in turn brings me happiness, especially when I've been in a bad mood. I always leave happy. I have this silly thing I do. When a customer gets out of a car that looks like they are going to give me trouble or that look like they are having a bad day, I accept it as a challenge. A challenge to make sure they smile before they get back in their car.

 They always are. It's fun.


 Along with making customers happy, I enjoy the company of my "friends" (ok, customers) that come and visit me every day. I think I'll always remember Moreno when I look back on this summer job. He's mexican, about 50 years old maybe, and rides his bike past me to the bus stop in the morning and evening. On his bike he carries up to 90 lbs some days. LUDICROUS.  I see him twice a day, every day, and he's ALWAYS friendly, always. There's something to be said about that, and I truly admire that. His life circumstances are not easy. He cleans the bathrooms at conoco for free, just so he can clean up there. He, as formerly mentioned, CARRIES 90 POUNDS on his bike everyday. Rain or shine, or humid awful heat. And yet, he is happy and kind to all. Our circumstances do not determine our happiness, at least, they don't have to. Thanks for the example man, I will always try and incorporate your countenance into my life.

happy birthday old friend.

Hope it's a good one.
Sometimes I wonder if I've moved on completely, since I'm thinking of you today, on your birthday.
Anywho... congratulations. You made it, 19. I'm gonna catch up in 4 days.

I'll always wonder if those 4 days felt like a long time... and, I'll never forget that.

With love,
Jess.

.

“I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God, it changes me.” –Lewis

tutu too much.

WTF^^^^^ THAT WAS ME.
I tried on all my old tutu's for the photo shoot tomorrow.
Regret, is that what a feel?
NO.
NO NO NO. Just a tinge though.
Because, I wish I still had it, whatever it is. But not really, I just long to be free on a dance floor. To move and feel and breathe or not breathe. To express every emotion that writing and words and faces cannot. To feel everything in the rawest form. Joy. Longing. Sorrow. Peace... stillness. Beauty. Pure, pure beauty. Tomorrow I play make believe.

I am forever a dancer at heart.

quotes with no background infros

Some of my favorite quotes of yesterday:
(Preface: swearing is ok when it is quoted, and when it's funny...)

Old man number one to wifers: "damn you woman, DAMN YOU WOMAN"


CRAZY OLD RACIST MAN::::::
Old hickman number two... to me: "Damn mexicans just soak up all of our money, they just make babies and take all of our health care! My SON, so proud of him, works for the border patrol, noble boy, keepin' em out, I just HATE them so much, I have to work with them and I tell you what... We just need more men like my boy to secure the border, they just aren't doing a good enough job"
  "Uh... excuse me sir, the U.S., Mexico border is only comparable to the North Korea/South Korea Border..."
"Anyways like I was saying, I hate mexicans. By the way my name it was Wade, nice to meet you"
"Uh... alright, enjoy your corn?"

40 year old creeper:
"When was your corn picked?"
Me, "Yesterday morning, approximately."
"Oh is that what they tell you to say?"
Me, "Indeed it is sir"
"Oh so you just believe everything your told"
Me, "Well, yes, at least when it comes to corn."
"Sounds like you're my kind of girl."
Me, "ERRRR, Ok well, enjoy your corn?"

In other news I sold corn to Meghan from American Idol. I had no idea who she was, I still don't, but cool story Hansel. So cool guys, IT'S GOING TO BE A HAPPY MONDAY TOMORROW!

yes, still stands.

           TONIGHT, and today... were better than Christmas. I love the 4th. I really, really do.
Oh, Jane, what did you do? OMGXZ. OK. Get ready.
Friend and new friendo and I went to the carnival, we rode this SUPER SILLY spinny tornado twister ride and laughed and laughed and laughed, which was like, pretty great ya know? So after this we went down this slidy slide, with 100 4 year olds. This in itself was well GREAT, but it gets better. We each took a turn giving it our best slide, I, as slider number one chose to ride the slide backwards: 3 points. New friendo rolled down all ridiculously like hot rod: 1000 points, and friend on  the belly: 2 points.
          The night was filled with so much laughter and wonderfulness. After the slidy slide we headed over to get some potato fry chip things: YES, BECAUSE APPARENTLY THERE IS AN FOOD INVENTION THAT IS WORSE FOR YOU THAN FUNNEL CAKE, who knew.  Despite the disturbing grease festival, it was still a priveledge to partake of the world's newest and greatest fatty food. Covered in ketchup, lemon juice, garlic salt, season salt and WTF everything. As we sat and partook of the food a band serenaded us in the background. So great were they. We devoured our chip/tatertot/potato thingees and then ran up to the stage so that we could dance dance dance. Although there were only 45 year old couples and little kids it was still a ROCKIN party. Holy cow. We danced til the band closed, and then all of the sudden, guess what? WE SAW FIREWORKS IN THE REFLECTION OF A WINDOW.

YES
YES


YES.
OMGZ!
We ran and we ran and we rannnnnn until we finally saw the ones that weren't in the window but that were in the sky. Where was this place where we viewed them? It was 4 flights of stairs up on top of a parking garage, naturally. WONDERFUL. We all pointed out which ones were our favorites as we watched and personally, I like the the really loud ones, the waterfall looking ones, and the GIANTNORMOUS ones the best. This was great, yes, until it got better. After the fireworks we headed back down to Sammy's and got italian sodas and then headed back to the car. BUT. BUT, wait there is more. On University in Provo there is this little circle of cement between the Wells Fargo building and some other guy. Naturally, NATURALLY we found in necessary to gather round in a circle and just talk or do whatever teenagers do these days, like, you know... be silly. So we sat in the circle and LAUGHED. SO HARD. I haven't laughed that hard in so long. I would tell "you" about it, but no. You had to be there, it was that good, and that weirdie. Just know, you wish you were there. YOU DO. So an hour and a half later we headed back to the car and drove home while Girl Talk gave us a talking to.


PERFECTionNIGHT

J19 oh baby

The boy I danced with on Friday! Hahahah. Ok... Just a lookalike, but a legitimite lookalike, really legitimate.

1234.5

Today in church there were some wonderful comments and whatnotternotters.

My favorite: "Never withhold a generous thought."

Such a good reminder.

spark spark dancing baby oh baby

First off. WATCH http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRpeEdMmmQ0 Pure joy....

Sometimes, and all times, friends are like... real great. Last night was spent latin dancing until 3 am. I danced with the best looking person in the world I am convinced... baby oh baby. I can't remember his name but he was gorgeous. Nordstrom model? Abercrombie? YES. Funny stuff guys. Dancing was wonderful. The funny thing about going dancing though is, that like 40% of the time there is spent in the bathroom- so here are bathroom pics with besties to pay homage to that tradition! So great. Tonight was spent at SPARK with laughing and talking and Shirly Temples with cotton candy on top. I am indeed feeling positively blissed out of my mind.

Just chillaxilaxicaxin at the corn stand. Where is sold 75 cantaloupes. OMY.

TO TOP THINGS OFF... i sold 75 cantaloupes today. Meaning BAH BAH BAH! I get a free sugar sweet produce hat? Really guys, could life get any better?