armor

Sometimes I think I only go to college so that I can have a job where I wear pencil skirts and white pants and heels, everyday, so that I can shop at BRepublic. Oh and there's that learning thing too.

Welcome to cornland. I do hope you'll stay.

Today, an angel visited me at the corn stand. No GUYS! Not a pretend angel, a real one. I'm so sure of it.
Maybe I'll write about it sometime.
MAYBE I WON'T.

But the things he talked to me about got me thinking.
About the profound influence that we have on those around us.
It's so funny, that such deeply wonderous lessons can be learned at a corn stand.
    At a corn stand in Spanish Fork, Utah, NO LESS.
But a happy genuine countenance is contagious and I'm absolutely so sure of it.
These people are buying CORN (or berries/cherries/peaches/salsa/jam/crenshaw/orange flesh/watermelon(with or without seeds)) from me. But they make me feel so deeply connected.
Which is pretty great.

Everyone is so different and so wonderful and so weird and yet so wonderful.
During this week alone, I've heard and seen it all. I've heard testimonies, I've met movie directors (watch out for "Too tough to Die"), Rodeo Stars, and told a woman from Brooklyn about the church. I've heard too many divorce stories to count and felt really awkward about it every time. I've met crack heads who have children they don't know about and fed police officers free melons for breakfast. I've watched domestic disputes take place I've run into some very meaningful people in my life-people who I wouldn't have ever seen had I not been there. Old friends, and I deff. for sureizzle met my future husband today. He asked if it was busy today, but we both (we both?) know what THAT MEANT. Ya guyz. WHOA.

And this is when I realize, take a deep breathe, that I will love whatever I do.

I love red lipstick.

It's going to be hot tomorrow, (http://www.weather.com/weather/today/Spanish+Fork+UT+USUT0239) so why have I decided to ride my bike to work?

Good question Jessie.

To answer that I will say:
1. Why not? (Well... actually...!)
2. I have this bandana thing I want to wear and I feel it will look cute while on a bike. (Great reason!!!)
3. Riding a bike costs no gas. Gas sucks money, and other things suck gas. So, this is good. (Remind me to remind myself of this)
4. Riding a bike is really really COOL, guys. And that's really what matters isn't it?
5. 10 miles is not that far but not that close. This as it turns out, is more of a fun fact, and less of a reason.
6. Gas sucks money.
7. I am fat. I am fatty. My belly looks like a donut by now. I am SURE, it totally makes me hungry when I look down and see the donut and realize it's not a donut but instead a belly. Also, I cannot see my toes.

Good luck Jessie.

dear birthday week,

thanks for the birthday cake- it's my favorite.
 .... so lovely to come home to that.
thanks for the weekend and the sunshine and the laughter.
for my picture perfect in almost every way birthday week.
the tostada pizza from CPK.
for the hike- because it turns out THE SUBWAY in Zion rocks from the bottom up too.
-----for sweaty foreheads from 108 degrees on hikes.
for caves and glow sticks and scenes right out of the star wars opening credits.
---- oh AND thank you glow stick muck for making my hair a grease bomb, you made my hair look really awesome in the dark- but unfortunately, it's also glowing in the light right now.

Thanks for the sand in my swimsuit, a sun burned back, and scratches from my mid torso to my toes... c.l.u.t.s.y.
thanks for.....for stars and milky ways and air mattresses and sandy beach mattresses.
for the feeling i got when i woke up, trudged to the bathroom, looked up, and remembered
 
i am in ZION, surrounded by some of the greatest beauty in all the world.

thanks chacos, for tearing up my feet- you sure did a number to them.

oh, and HEY, Sand Hollow- thanks for existing. you are a really really GREAT LAKE.
thanks for your cliffs and sunken plane and all that cool stuff that you have to offer.
SNOW CANYON- you weren't too shabby either. climbing was great this morning, even in the heat.


MOSTLY THOUGH,


thanks friends, none of it would be possible with out you.
i love you and i love you for putting up with me.
it's wonderful what can be accomplished with a little help from your friends-
so thanks girls, for everything. you keep me breathing and happy, you make me better.

what A WEEK it's been.
here's to another one.


happy monday "everyone"

In tree and men good timbers grow.

The tree that never had to fight,

For sun and sky and air and light,

But stood out on the open plain,

And always got it’s share of rain,

Never became a forest king,

But lives and dies a scrawny thing.

The man who never had to toil,

To gain and farm his patch of soil,

Who never had to win his share,

Of sun and sky and light and air,

Never became a manly man,

But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow in ease,

The stronger the wind, the stronger trees

The farther sky, the greater the length

The more the storm, the more the strength,

By sun and cold, by rain and snow,

In tree and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth

We find the patriarchs of both.

And they hold counsel with the stars

Whose broken branches show the scars

This is the common law of life.

                     Douglas Mallock

what is love love love. baby don't hurt me.

The better you know someone the more you love them, it is true. So while I've been sorting through feelings the past few days I realize that it's ok to still think about you. I'm not yearning for your arms to be around me any more or any of the sappy stuff, but I worry for you and about you. I don't want to be with you, but I want the best for you from the deepest place in my soul.
And that is the beauty of real love.

           IT lasts forever.

I'm not sad about it. I'm quite happy because there is love in my heart forever because of you, and there is always room for more.

The better you know someone the more you come to love them, to understand them. Love brings me happiness because it is in it's perfection, pure unselfishness. And unselfishness = happiness. It is not worried for oneself, but rather, (to me at least) a complete abandonment of our own troubles and selfishness. Real love places the loved above the lover. You feel their pain. You want to take it away. That is where lovers go astray. Or where I went astray in love. Perfect love was initially there, but over time perfect love became imperfect, because unselfish love turned in to selfish love. Where the loved was concerned for itself and it's own desires above the other. Selfishness and love cannot coexist. So while I loved him, I must have loved myself more. Love, but not in love.

I'm always grateful for the times in my life when my heart is softened enough to feel love more fully for my friends and family and complete strangers, them too. To feel a deeper understanding of their lives and their struggles and joys and sorrows. Or even just a peek.

MY HOPE & my greatest desire right now is quite simply, to LOVE more.

summer forever.

I'll always remember you fondly, summer 2010. One thing I think I'll miss the most is all the people I get to meet and talk to while I'm working. There's something about being forced to put a smile on my face and greet people with genuine happiness that in turn brings me happiness, especially when I've been in a bad mood. I always leave happy. I have this silly thing I do. When a customer gets out of a car that looks like they are going to give me trouble or that look like they are having a bad day, I accept it as a challenge. A challenge to make sure they smile before they get back in their car.

 They always are. It's fun.


 Along with making customers happy, I enjoy the company of my "friends" (ok, customers) that come and visit me every day. I think I'll always remember Moreno when I look back on this summer job. He's mexican, about 50 years old maybe, and rides his bike past me to the bus stop in the morning and evening. On his bike he carries up to 90 lbs some days. LUDICROUS.  I see him twice a day, every day, and he's ALWAYS friendly, always. There's something to be said about that, and I truly admire that. His life circumstances are not easy. He cleans the bathrooms at conoco for free, just so he can clean up there. He, as formerly mentioned, CARRIES 90 POUNDS on his bike everyday. Rain or shine, or humid awful heat. And yet, he is happy and kind to all. Our circumstances do not determine our happiness, at least, they don't have to. Thanks for the example man, I will always try and incorporate your countenance into my life.

happy birthday old friend.

Hope it's a good one.
Sometimes I wonder if I've moved on completely, since I'm thinking of you today, on your birthday.
Anywho... congratulations. You made it, 19. I'm gonna catch up in 4 days.

I'll always wonder if those 4 days felt like a long time... and, I'll never forget that.

With love,
Jess.

.

“I pray because I can’t help myself. I pray because I’m helpless. I pray because the need flows out of me all the time, waking and sleeping. It doesn’t change God, it changes me.” –Lewis

tutu too much.

WTF^^^^^ THAT WAS ME.
I tried on all my old tutu's for the photo shoot tomorrow.
Regret, is that what a feel?
NO.
NO NO NO. Just a tinge though.
Because, I wish I still had it, whatever it is. But not really, I just long to be free on a dance floor. To move and feel and breathe or not breathe. To express every emotion that writing and words and faces cannot. To feel everything in the rawest form. Joy. Longing. Sorrow. Peace... stillness. Beauty. Pure, pure beauty. Tomorrow I play make believe.

I am forever a dancer at heart.

quotes with no background infros

Some of my favorite quotes of yesterday:
(Preface: swearing is ok when it is quoted, and when it's funny...)

Old man number one to wifers: "damn you woman, DAMN YOU WOMAN"


CRAZY OLD RACIST MAN::::::
Old hickman number two... to me: "Damn mexicans just soak up all of our money, they just make babies and take all of our health care! My SON, so proud of him, works for the border patrol, noble boy, keepin' em out, I just HATE them so much, I have to work with them and I tell you what... We just need more men like my boy to secure the border, they just aren't doing a good enough job"
  "Uh... excuse me sir, the U.S., Mexico border is only comparable to the North Korea/South Korea Border..."
"Anyways like I was saying, I hate mexicans. By the way my name it was Wade, nice to meet you"
"Uh... alright, enjoy your corn?"

40 year old creeper:
"When was your corn picked?"
Me, "Yesterday morning, approximately."
"Oh is that what they tell you to say?"
Me, "Indeed it is sir"
"Oh so you just believe everything your told"
Me, "Well, yes, at least when it comes to corn."
"Sounds like you're my kind of girl."
Me, "ERRRR, Ok well, enjoy your corn?"

In other news I sold corn to Meghan from American Idol. I had no idea who she was, I still don't, but cool story Hansel. So cool guys, IT'S GOING TO BE A HAPPY MONDAY TOMORROW!

yes, still stands.

           TONIGHT, and today... were better than Christmas. I love the 4th. I really, really do.
Oh, Jane, what did you do? OMGXZ. OK. Get ready.
Friend and new friendo and I went to the carnival, we rode this SUPER SILLY spinny tornado twister ride and laughed and laughed and laughed, which was like, pretty great ya know? So after this we went down this slidy slide, with 100 4 year olds. This in itself was well GREAT, but it gets better. We each took a turn giving it our best slide, I, as slider number one chose to ride the slide backwards: 3 points. New friendo rolled down all ridiculously like hot rod: 1000 points, and friend on  the belly: 2 points.
          The night was filled with so much laughter and wonderfulness. After the slidy slide we headed over to get some potato fry chip things: YES, BECAUSE APPARENTLY THERE IS AN FOOD INVENTION THAT IS WORSE FOR YOU THAN FUNNEL CAKE, who knew.  Despite the disturbing grease festival, it was still a priveledge to partake of the world's newest and greatest fatty food. Covered in ketchup, lemon juice, garlic salt, season salt and WTF everything. As we sat and partook of the food a band serenaded us in the background. So great were they. We devoured our chip/tatertot/potato thingees and then ran up to the stage so that we could dance dance dance. Although there were only 45 year old couples and little kids it was still a ROCKIN party. Holy cow. We danced til the band closed, and then all of the sudden, guess what? WE SAW FIREWORKS IN THE REFLECTION OF A WINDOW.

YES
YES


YES.
OMGZ!
We ran and we ran and we rannnnnn until we finally saw the ones that weren't in the window but that were in the sky. Where was this place where we viewed them? It was 4 flights of stairs up on top of a parking garage, naturally. WONDERFUL. We all pointed out which ones were our favorites as we watched and personally, I like the the really loud ones, the waterfall looking ones, and the GIANTNORMOUS ones the best. This was great, yes, until it got better. After the fireworks we headed back down to Sammy's and got italian sodas and then headed back to the car. BUT. BUT, wait there is more. On University in Provo there is this little circle of cement between the Wells Fargo building and some other guy. Naturally, NATURALLY we found in necessary to gather round in a circle and just talk or do whatever teenagers do these days, like, you know... be silly. So we sat in the circle and LAUGHED. SO HARD. I haven't laughed that hard in so long. I would tell "you" about it, but no. You had to be there, it was that good, and that weirdie. Just know, you wish you were there. YOU DO. So an hour and a half later we headed back to the car and drove home while Girl Talk gave us a talking to.


PERFECTionNIGHT