oh baby. it's permafrosting. muh favorite! lasts forever. tastes good forever.

It’s cold outside and I’m having flat tires and I’m having writers block and I’m having a baby. That’s not even true; the last part I mean. My face and my toes have teensy little arrows-well, more like pin arrows- being shot into them. They’re tingly and they’re cold.

And there they go. Nothing. No more feeling. Until I walk inside. And it hurts for a second, while the feeling comes back. Arrows, numb, nothing, pain. Better. More. 

The sky is shady shady character these days. All gray, or white when it’s snowing. It’s coldie locks and the three burrs time of year. What is porridge anyways? Sounds frightful. Frightful like papers due and permafrosted sidewalks and below 13 mornings.

I don’t really like the cold that much. Can you tell? Never really have.

I’m walking across campus and I’m cold and I want to be inside. But that feeling, that wonderful feeling, of walking inside and feeling your cheeks go rosy, and feeling warm and cold and out of breathe and content all at the same time. The cold seems ok when you look at it that way.

Doesn’t it? 

NOW you tell me the story of how I grew to be.

I’ve always found the idea of “finding oneself” a bit absurd. Enjoyed the simple joy that I get from staring into nothing. Ran from reality and myself, and created a new, better, nonfictional version of my reality. Until somehow my ideas of things I liked in others became blatantly obvious qualities that I could find in myself. Always liked others and respected. Scared to death of the future. Of what might come and who might come and how do I deal with it all?

I need no one. I need to know that from someone I have come. My spirit isn’t evolved. It’s evolving into what it was. Returning. Changing finding. Not in love. Not in need. Being alone isn’t bad at all is it? Being right here is the most important place I’ve ever found myself. This apartment. Evolution- weird me out. Scare me. Share stories and love. Share laughter. Comfortable with you. Never thought I’d never want to leave. Want to eat up the fall leaves and spit them out as music. Talk to you. Feel at home in the place where home felt foreign and far and distant. Confusion. How did it happen? 

I don’t know. I don’t know really. But I can’t sleep because I can’t stop thinking and questioning and wondering and hoping and doubting. Mostly doubting. Decision making skills are the skills of the Gods and I’m not that. Clearly.

So. I just need to know. What is the right answer. One right one. PLEASE. Just one. Running nose where are you going let me come.

Because I’ve found myself. And I don’t want to leave. Because digging through the lost and found makes your hands smell smelly and takes time. 

So let’s do this all over again.

simple pleasures:)

Blah ha.

Today is a good day- I mean, it's only 9:05 A.M. but, it's a four red cars in a row type of day.
Something is wrong with me. Sort of freaking me out.

I don't sleep ever- and I'm like always hyper--- like always. My bones are secreting energy.

SHALOOOKEEEAPRE!

GOOD GRIEF.

I don't know what blogs are for but I do know what Ben Bernake is for and every time I see his name I think it sounds super sexy like a character that Matthew Mcconaughey in a movie would play so I looked him
up.
 He doesn't look like Matthew Mcconaughey.
Woops.

But still.

I feel weird now.

sunday's the day

I made vermont curry and vegetables tonight. Oh my so good.

Today was so great.

Check out the Jazz Essentials radio on pandora. I can't stop listening. Fab.

I love Sundays.

retail therapy.

I am a strong advocate for retail therapy. Of retail therapy? I don't know how to word that- either way though, I participate in the therapy of retail on a regular basis.

The problem with this is that- retail therapy (like most therapy?) costs money. So a few weeks ago I promised myself I wouldn't buy clothing for an indefinite period of time. Here we see problem number one in this silly goal of mine; indefinite. Any one who has had heard John Bytheway give one of his inspirational speaches (heh) knows that when setting goals; be specific, and be realistic. Setting a goal with no ending that was totally unrealistic for me, and as it turns out, IMPOSSIBLE.

So today- instead of going to my marriage prep institute class (pfhff!! marriage! who wants that...) me and roommateface Nichole went to the (as Wesers would call it) Deseret Industries.

NBD? RIGHT? Because I  always shop there and half my shoes are for sure from there and I'm a reg an it's great. But the deal is- The Deseret Industries offer me a special sort of retail therepeutication. PLUS, and also, the Deseret Industries just had an abundance of treasures today. Well how about that.

I know you're dying to see--- shirt sweater belt and glasses. All from this shopping trip.  AND THAT BAG. 50 Cents. oh boyeee.

I got a billion other things. I'll post more...

SOMETIMES THE SONG TEENAGE DREAM makes me dizzy with joy

I don't know if I've mentioned this... But I really, REALLY love the song teenage dream. I think at this point it probably seems like I'm being sarcastic about this because it's a really, REALLY weird song to love this much. The lyrics are horrible, and if I knew anything about music I'd tell you the music is as well. But I don't and I absolutely adore it catchiness. Every time this song comes on it brings the dancing demons out of me and I can't control myself. My and Mandie had some fun the other night. She wins roommate of the year. Go Mandie.
And here we are dancing and making fools of ourselves.
No, I did not just get out of the shower. I just sweat.